Let me admit that I am no big soccer/football fan.

Bar World Cups (including, of course, this one) I have very little or no interest in the sport. Not because I do not recognise the skill and not because I do not appreciate the great rivalries of the game but, because, I just cannot stand the acting, diving and such.

Last night’s Brazil vs Ivory Coast game is a point in case. That last Ivory Coast player that managed to get Kaka sent off - what the hell is up with that? Surely they should review games after the fact and impose penalties for blatant acts such as his?

If you did not see it, Kaka already had a yellow card to his name, which was fair enough. But then, towards the end of the second half, this idiot from Ivory Coast runs into him, his elbow may have flicked the guy’s stomach, but said idiot dropped to the floor like he was touched by an evangelist and rolled around clutching his face for several minutes until, eventually, the ref gave the Brazilian his second yellow, and therefore a red.

What a load of Kaka.

All through this World Cup and in the few club games I’ve seen by accident, this level of deception occurs. Is this really part of “the beautiful game”? Hell the Italians spend half their lives on the floor, often resulting in an unjust sending off or ill-gotten penalty. Frankly you don’t deserve to win a practice game against the ANCYL third XI if team protocol is to dive all over the place and feign massive injury.

The way some guys carry on you’d think their legs are being amputated - or they had just heard that Julius Malema had taken a keen interest in one of their sisters. All the rolling and crying, and face holding, and spectacular aerial displays of flying feet when a guy was nicked on his shoulder really, honestly, leaves me cold.

My soccer-loving mates have no answer for me regarding this problem, only to agree that players should be “sighted” after a game and severe penalties dished out. Hell I’d even suggest brining in a third referee to sort out all these unmarked “hand balls” and immediately communicate silly behaviour to the referee so that Oscar-winning performances receive their dues in the form of a small, red, square.

If the purpose of your actions was to get an opposing player in trouble, even sent off, for no real reason then you, sister, deserve to be sent off in shame and strung up by your bootstraps in the cold, dark, bowels of the theatre you disgraced.

That’s fair play FIFA...try it on for size.

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