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THOSE Rio outfits! Oh my greatness!

2016-08-17 15:57
Teenage Mutant Ninja outfits? (Twitter)

Whoever made the final decision for the clothing and other apparel (golf bags) for the SA Olympic team should be fired.

While they’re at it they should donate whatever kick-back they obviously received from the supplier to a charity foundation that will assist us all with our deeply traumatising but understandably paranoid misconception that we were back in 1985.

It was deeply embarrassing that we were the only team lead out for the opening ceremony wearing tracksuits, that, to be honest, look like they’ve been bought at the Panorama flea market from a 2nd-hand clothing stall.

Why couldn’t they have gone with a similar design to the one used at the IAAF athletics champs last year?

To be honest if 361° do try and come to SA they must just avoid any mid- to high-LSM retail space because if this is the best they can produce then they won’t sell anything to the very style-conscious growing middle-class.

Maybe they should rather partner with Ackermans, Jet and PEP. Or a second hand clothing store. Or a costume-hire outlet, you know for all those 1980s parties we like to have. They should even stay away from Mr Price – their in-house apparel is far nicer than the rubbish SASCOC have given to our athletes. Perhaps they had an overrun from the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” fan club order and so decided to offload onto SASCOC at a discount, and for a little under-the-table exchange, you know, considering we are now a Chinese colony in all but name. And this teenage mutant ninja turtle tracksuit was the better compared to the original opening ceremony outfit.

What could be worse people say?

Well I’ve also seen that outfit. Oh my greatness! If I was wanting to embarrass and to alert even the most distant tracking satellites that an ex-con had been released on early parole, only then, maybe, would I consider using it. It literally is louder and more humiliating than an orange jump suit on a gorilla. Come to think of it, maybe we should have gone completely retro and OTT and had bright orange jumpsuits – at least we would have been known as a nation of people with a sense of humour. Everyone thinks we’re a bunch of cons anyway, although the good citizens of Rio are doing a fine job of proving that they are the theft and mugging capital of the Southern Hemisphere. The lack of dignity is something not seen since the 80s. I thought we’d gotten away from all that loud psychedelic nonsense. I’ve heard of recurring fashion cycles but this is a bit too close to those ridiculous days to be considered part of a “socio-cultural” sense of nostalgia. These multi-coloured eyesores are quite simply about as cool as “putting baby in the corner”…yes, I did just make a reference to Dirty Dancing…THAT is how UNCOOL these outfits are…

And then there are those golf bags. OMW, I think they decided to raid Gary Player’s cupboard and found two old bags from his victory at the Masters in 1978. Not only are they as plain as a pill, but they are impractical for the modern golfer – too small, too narrow, no club covers, small compartments. It also seems like they suddenly realised the SA golfers needed matching bags so made a quick plan at Gary’s house on the way to Rio, but didn’t have time to do all the branding, embroidery and personalisation…so just didn’t! To be honest I don’t feel as sorry for Jaco van Zyl and Brandon Stone as I feel for their caddies. They must have felt like those kids who rock up at a superhero birthday party wearing a towel for a cape and an old cardboard-cutout mask pretending to be batman, because mom forgot that it was a superhero part. And just like van Zyl and Stone I would also be inclined to play badly to avoid at all costs the TV cameras panning across and catching a glimpse of my caddy, head down shamefully, loping behind me with a large white leatherette cigar case strapped to their backs. I’m sure they would’ve tried to give them away after the event but couldn’t so instead these bags will travel back to SA but will likely remain at OR Tambo’s “unclaimed baggage” counter (minus clubs of course) until someone decides to incinerate them due to the fact that that is the worldly function they are best suited to perform – as incendiary devices.

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